Out of Place...

I'm probably in the sky FLYING with the FISHES
or maybe
in the OCEAN swimming with the FINCHES.

Dont Rush.

I love her, probably more than everything... The untalented of me prevent me from showing the love. I just want she to feel it and believe it.

One image of her crossing my mind was just enough to make me smile or cry. But when she gave out words that unpleasant me, the only thing that I can do was just silence... The strength that swollen in my heart only enough to
make me hiding my numbness...

I walk away...
And walking away doesnt means that I hate the owner of those words. Its that I was hurt and I dont want to hurt her back by showing her that Im hurting inside...

Please, dont hate me until i give u a reason to and dont judge me until u know the whole story... cause everything happen for a reason... And every hardship that come over is only a reminder from Allah on how He love us. Get through this with me. Have some faith in me as I need all that to pursue walking to the front without looking back unless its a good view...


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Felt Half-Life

Dont know how to decribe me now, suddenly remembered this sentence, its a quotes, but I forget when did I memorize it or by whom did I take this from,

"Out of damp and gloomy days, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us as a fungus, one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us and they woe to the thinker who is not the gardener.”

But whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, dizzying with opinions that we live in a world of hatred and greed, somehow, I try not to
see all those stuff. Because no matter how terrible the situation is, there are always somewhere, someplace, someone that will be there for us to help us in returning to our normal state. The positive one of us. The one that they know. The side of us who smile, who laugh, who wanting something more than everything, who dreams of impossible things and try to achieve it and who will not give up over things easily.

Well, "love is everywhere". Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there, parents, siblings, families, old friends, new friends, BFF for sure, or even someone special. They there for us...

Try not to hang myself at my deepest saddest emotions as world guarantee something more than that for me. Felt like i want to go out there, run and screams, raising my hands up, looking at the sun, try to reach the sky, jump and jump, even in the rain, wheres we cant see the sun, or in the night when the sun is out of sight, something that we always bare in mind, the sun is there for us...

Sorry? Naaah.. =D Forget it

Sometimes, sorry makes us felt awkward. And sometimes it doesnt really necessary for us to say it. Understand the situation and makes a happy moment out of it is a way to carve a smile or intrigued laughter.

If its a mistakes moment, fix it and cheer up. Try again is a words that will not meet a failure. Saying sorry didnt really makes things right but show it with you own effort will prove you theres more speechless moment awaiting.

Yeah, this word 'sorry' connect the breaks 'wires' but if its already connecting for what reason you troubled yourself pressing 'connect' button anymore... Just go with the flow and believe me, you will enjoyed the line...


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Heels >.<"

God created each one of us in most perfect ways beyond our imagination. Im not meant to be ungrateful to Him, but sometimes, when I look at my self in front of my big mirror, I will think of, erk, NOT my face, NOT my pimples, NOT my weight or even, NOT diet for sure, BUT, Im thinking of heels... =D

The first time im wearing heels was when Im going for my grand dinner as assasian student. and believe me, Its AWKWARD... ^0^

Its not easy to be wearing 'kebaya' and 'heels' for the first time and at the same time. But give it a shot and I did it. Well, Im almost in my 19 years old year but still 146cm and sometimes, yea, I need to be tall for some reasons. Its in every girls instinct to look gorgeous and in some ways beautiful. Im not the one who
excluded from that statement. I'll look forward to wearing heels again and practice to wear it 0.0

Yea, high heels give a stylish look to the overall physical appearance of any girls, help to bring out an attractive body posture ( but this statement is not advisable to be a reason to wear heels actually XD )but it adds to the confidence of the girls while carrying her self and sometimes girls wear heels to complement their clothes. Now, the world is about fashion and we cant deny it with any excuse.



But I also figure out some of its disadvantages... And ouch, they kindda...
Hurmm... =.="
First of foremost, haha, it gives me foot pain, then leg sprain and back pain. Its also difficult for me to walk when wearing it. But, well, like people always say, practices make perfect... LOLZ XD


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It keeps Coming

Im trying to forget.
Building up my strength to bare with the consequences. Its deleted part by part from my memory side. The process will takes a long time to be cured. Im waiting for the scar to appear. Because scar means the 'injured' part had been sealed.

The components that was left after that was just the positive values that will remind me to be careful in the upcoming future so that the same 'injury' will not happen again.

Only to make the bleeding stops was hard enough.
So, please, stop remind me of it...


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'Heart Broken' Doesnt Always Happen Because of Love

Sometimes we had a broken heart because of unexpected reason that may lead us to give up. And giving up doesn't always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go as there are things that we dont want to happen but have to accept. Same as there are things that we dont want to know but have to learn.

But life was just a story which metaphor about how we try to stay in our own little bubbles... So, what ever had happen in this fragile world of mine, Im lucky enough that my heart is the only broken instrument that works... Its gonna be better soon... cause sadness will gone with the wings of time, one of the values that I Learn after 18 years living my life as me.

I live to count life with smiles and not the tears that roll. Thats how I live and Im happy with it... May God bless me...


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The Seven Ice...

During this moment, before our Final starts (tomorrow), I would like to introduce these 7 persons who always know the real me =D

We dont do eyes contact much, dont spend time much, dont talk about things much, But when it comes to some news to share, some problems to solve, some jokes to be told, some cheering events that happen, some eerie feelings that suddenly came, we'll go to each other to be laugh with, nervous with, scared with, happy with and cry with... I dont know about u guys, but for me, what else HOUSEMATES for...

Sometimes it seems like we dont care much about each other. Our house also labeled as most quiet house in the block ( labeled by myself). But I know and I know that you also know it, that the attitude of "dont care" only was an "Acting cool" stuff and believe me, non of us mind about that. XD All of us only the kind of person who scared if disturbing others. But we always there for each other if we are needed and we help and talk sincerely. Here, that makes all of us the same...

The first month we were gathered in a house called R401, it was like each of us are putting walls up around ourselves. Only say "Hi" and smiled. XD haha... But, Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down and we did it. ^^ Now we can laugh till the door shakes, scream till the eardrum at maximum vibration, discuss things till we fed up and talk till the books closed. =P

Guys, even though we've changed later on and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends...


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To : Syaz, Ijah, Nat and Imah ^^ Suddenly came across,

There were something I want to say to 4 of my friends.
The one that were close to me during a new chapter of a tough time in my life. They came into my life so unexpectedly. Little did I know what was to lie ahead. Within the hours that we all together, all the crazy moments that created for us, they show me the strength when I show them my weaknesses.

They taught me the importance of believe in myself, taught me that life was a race, run to achieve it but do it in a good way cause life worth more by that. They taught me so much in a way I never knew. I've learn a lot. A knowledge that cant be written by any pen or pencil. They stood behind me when I felt like falling. Make me laugh, make me smile. Along side of me when I needed a friend. In front of me when I needed a guide.

More importantly, they give me a piece of each of them. A gift worth far more than money could buy. Im here far away from home. My closest friend from my high school were all separated by blocks, classes and study hours. Sometimes I felt kindda like a weirdo among the normal one. But they gave me a floor to dance on. A song in my heart that I finally understand the words to.

During our first week here, Im alone, but as time goes by, by chance and fate that meant for us, We started our group. Our circle of friends. And like that circle. There is no beginning or end...

People said, yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery and today is a gift.
That is why today is called the present. Im so grateful to God that I'd survive this ordeal to study here until this very moment. It was a worthy experience that hard to be described by any words or literature sentences and its been an honour for me to be a student here and have them as my special friends ^^.

"What ever come upon us next, either we will meet again or not, Im wishing and prays for all the best things in the world for you girls. Thanks for all the wonderful and rejoiced times. May God always bless you..." ^^ =D


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First Camping Experience With Kadet Polis

Pada saat aku meniti 'jambatan' kehidupan di sekolah menengah, aku telah menghadiri dan menyibukkan diri dalam lebih sepuluh jenis perkhemahan. Daripadanya, pelbagai pengalaman, sikap manusia, cabaran, dugaan, keseronokkan, ke"excited an", kegeliaan, kegilaan, kesakitan, kehampaan, dan segala ke-...-an yang harus ditempuhi dan dihadapi.

Disini, dibingkiskan perkhemahan yang paling banyak mengajar aku tentang kehidupan dunia dan kehidupanku diakhirat sana, juga merupakan perkhemahan pertama aku sebagai anggota Kor Kadet Polis Malaysia. Disini aku sedar didunia terdapat banyak kehidupan selain manusia. Bumi sudah tua, dan dunia di peringkat akhir zamannya.

Waktu itu, aku masih muda, masih mahu 'enjoy'. Tetapi sekembalinya aku kerumah, pemikiranku lebih matang berbanding dulu. Mula merasa aku sudah dizaman remajaku. Despite all that, still, ada sikap2ku yang masih aku cuba untuk ubahkan kepada yang lebih baik. Hayatilah ^^ :


♪♫•1st Camping Experience With Kor Kadet Polis•♫♪


Andai ada diantara insan didalam cerita ini yang berkaitan dengan hidup anda, janganlah dibangkitkan kembali ingatan ini. Baca sekadar pedoman kepada kita buat masa hadapan. terima kasih atas kerjasama yang diberikan... ^^


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Eraser...eraser... Come out come out wherever you are.... =(

I always love Erasers...
I have a collection of more than hundred erasers in a box at my real home. They come from various shape and some of them got perfume smell... XD
I collected them throughout my school years. I mean from im 7 years old till 17 years old... haha

But not until this moment of Final Asasian Exam that I realize the importance of erasers... I need them desperately!!!

Before, in my high school or primary school, if I dont have eraser at the time in need, I will borrow them from my friends. So, it does not really matter if I have eraser with me or not. Sharing is caring ^^.

But now, Im in a room, alone with Mathematics exercises, do mistakes and I spent my 20 minutes to search for my eraser that I misplaced. Ouch >.<"


Ok, *continue study*



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The Imperfect Me

Im not a perfect girl, my 'tudung' doesnt always stay in place, my hair doesnt always look shiny or tied up & I spill things a lot.

Im pretty clumsy and sometimes I have a broken heart over something that I shouldnt.

My friends & I sometimes fight, sometimes we have different opinions over a decision and maybe some days in my life nothing goes right.

but when I think about it & take a step back, I remember how amazing life truly is & that maybe, just maybe, I like being imperfect =)


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Im shivering...

To be frank,
Im not an easy-going person. Its hard to be close to me. Its hard to be my besties as Im a person which is very secretive. Its a tough thing for me to talk to others about what I felt what I think. I like to keep everything 'here' in my little chamber. When its 'boiled' or overloaded, I just exploded. Even that happen, I didnt told anyone about it cause I dont want to burden them to think about my little problem as they have theirs too.

When I started my school years, I saw people with many friends. I have less. 'Here' told me that, I want to get near to them, laugh with them, told them story, say good morning to them, say goodbye when we are in separated ways, make jokes so they will laugh with me and tell them my sad things when everything in my mind are messed up so that they can comfort me.

To get all those, I'd learn to smile. I'd tried many expressions in front of my big mirror to test which smile would not scare people, which smile look fake, and how to smile sincerely. I dont know if I make it or not but, starting that days, I've got friends. ^^

Im a pampered girl,
yes I admit it and hoping that others can accept it too. But as life goes on, I saw my friends were bullied, and obviously I always been bullied for my small size, despite all that, I dont have that enough strength to tell them to 'STOP'.

I went home, crying in my flowery blanket, told myself, "Everything gonna be alright. They just people who never see small kids and people who dont have anything to do. They bored, so they 'play' me."


When I come to this one moment,
I've grew up a bit, started to learn how to hate, how to fight back and how to protect myself. I hate it when people look down on me. Im not a clever person, not so tough, not so nerd but I can do more than what they thought I can. Once I learn how to fight back, I had a hard time to control my temper.

I will exploded each and everytime people teased me till at the age of 11, I live a free-teasing life. Boys are my enemies, girls are my weaknesses. I dont talk much even with my classmates who are boys as I hate the bullies who use to bully me and all of them were boys.

Growing up was a magic for me. At the age of 13, I was close with my Ustazah.
I love to see people with big hijab. I would like to wear them and yes I did it as my school uniform^^. I like to wear a loose clothes so I would not look so small.

Girl's clothes at the mall and shop at that time were mostly small and fit to body type one. So, I switch to boys clothes. 0.0 and of course I look more boyish than I use to be. But, all that was covered by my cute face and eventually no one see me as a 'tomboy', what they saw was just a petite and untidy girl.

It was also a miracle how I survive my high school years. Too many to be told so let me skip that one first. =P

For the first time of my life,
at the age of 17 and half,
I had to distance myself from my family for study purpose. Yea, I always go out of school for many days camp. This camp, that camp. But I never study without my family near me. To think it all over, camping was not an open books and focusing activities. Camping was just, go out there, let go all of the school stuff, be at your best and have fun girl.

But now, Study stuff + far away from family + home + no one to take care of my food + drink + cant having fun + what else -.- too many...


It took me one semester to suit myself out here. >.<" Im getting slow and obviously felt dumb. Haha... XD

I use to have everything for only myself but now I have to share everything. Wow, its tough... I use to have my private space but now everything were public. Cant hide, cant cry. No more flowery blanket to talk to. No more big mirror to practice with. No more mom to call me for breakfast, lunch and dinner ( which I always accidentally skipped ). No more my flower powder smell bolster to kick or punch or hug with. No more....

I felt like empty set. Empty kuma.. How was that... but I try to bare with it. Try to assume that now I am in a very long camps ( as I always love camping ) where the only difference from my other camps is that here I had to study.

Ok, study... Ermmm, ya, study...


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Stomach Ache Day

Today I accidently skip 2 classes cause of stomach ache... So sad since its the last day of lectured class. Actually I already been in front of the class that suppose to be my morning class, but I saw nobody's there... OPSSSS, i was so slow... XD the class was canceled and I dont know bout it...

But I managed to help somebody edited a Family Guild blog for my game, so glad ^^... It was nice... Feel Free to visit =D






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