Im shivering...

To be frank,
Im not an easy-going person. Its hard to be close to me. Its hard to be my besties as Im a person which is very secretive. Its a tough thing for me to talk to others about what I felt what I think. I like to keep everything 'here' in my little chamber. When its 'boiled' or overloaded, I just exploded. Even that happen, I didnt told anyone about it cause I dont want to burden them to think about my little problem as they have theirs too.

When I started my school years, I saw people with many friends. I have less. 'Here' told me that, I want to get near to them, laugh with them, told them story, say good morning to them, say goodbye when we are in separated ways, make jokes so they will laugh with me and tell them my sad things when everything in my mind are messed up so that they can comfort me.

To get all those, I'd learn to smile. I'd tried many expressions in front of my big mirror to test which smile would not scare people, which smile look fake, and how to smile sincerely. I dont know if I make it or not but, starting that days, I've got friends. ^^

Im a pampered girl,
yes I admit it and hoping that others can accept it too. But as life goes on, I saw my friends were bullied, and obviously I always been bullied for my small size, despite all that, I dont have that enough strength to tell them to 'STOP'.

I went home, crying in my flowery blanket, told myself, "Everything gonna be alright. They just people who never see small kids and people who dont have anything to do. They bored, so they 'play' me."


When I come to this one moment,
I've grew up a bit, started to learn how to hate, how to fight back and how to protect myself. I hate it when people look down on me. Im not a clever person, not so tough, not so nerd but I can do more than what they thought I can. Once I learn how to fight back, I had a hard time to control my temper.

I will exploded each and everytime people teased me till at the age of 11, I live a free-teasing life. Boys are my enemies, girls are my weaknesses. I dont talk much even with my classmates who are boys as I hate the bullies who use to bully me and all of them were boys.

Growing up was a magic for me. At the age of 13, I was close with my Ustazah.
I love to see people with big hijab. I would like to wear them and yes I did it as my school uniform^^. I like to wear a loose clothes so I would not look so small.

Girl's clothes at the mall and shop at that time were mostly small and fit to body type one. So, I switch to boys clothes. 0.0 and of course I look more boyish than I use to be. But, all that was covered by my cute face and eventually no one see me as a 'tomboy', what they saw was just a petite and untidy girl.

It was also a miracle how I survive my high school years. Too many to be told so let me skip that one first. =P

For the first time of my life,
at the age of 17 and half,
I had to distance myself from my family for study purpose. Yea, I always go out of school for many days camp. This camp, that camp. But I never study without my family near me. To think it all over, camping was not an open books and focusing activities. Camping was just, go out there, let go all of the school stuff, be at your best and have fun girl.

But now, Study stuff + far away from family + home + no one to take care of my food + drink + cant having fun + what else -.- too many...


It took me one semester to suit myself out here. >.<" Im getting slow and obviously felt dumb. Haha... XD

I use to have everything for only myself but now I have to share everything. Wow, its tough... I use to have my private space but now everything were public. Cant hide, cant cry. No more flowery blanket to talk to. No more big mirror to practice with. No more mom to call me for breakfast, lunch and dinner ( which I always accidentally skipped ). No more my flower powder smell bolster to kick or punch or hug with. No more....

I felt like empty set. Empty kuma.. How was that... but I try to bare with it. Try to assume that now I am in a very long camps ( as I always love camping ) where the only difference from my other camps is that here I had to study.

Ok, study... Ermmm, ya, study...


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